Comedy isn’t pretty

Forbes put out a list of the ten highest earning comedians in America, a list that inspires nothing if not a vague sense of despair, which often disguises itself as mild nausea or a nagging ache in the back of the head.

Here’s pretty much everything you need to know about who made it onto the list…

1. None of them are women.

2. Only one of them is actually funny.

3. Two are ventriloquists.

Two of them I’ve never even heard of, but that just says something about me, as you can have my George Carlin and Bill Hicks albums when you pry them from my cold, dead 18-fingered hands (did you get that Bill Hicks reference there?).  I’m not exactly hip to what’s new and now in comedy, though apparently it’s still ventriloquism, which is a disheartening surprise.  Number ten on the list is Russell Peters, who I initially confused with ludicrously coiffed man-whore Russell Brand, then realized I was mistaken.  Russell Peters is a Canadian comedian who apparently sells out shows at Madison Square Garden, though I’ll be damned if I can tell you who he is or anything he’s done.  The rest of the list, with the exception of Chris Rock, is a tired, disappointing list consisting of sitcom actors, the previously mentioned ventriloquists, game show hosts, members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and of course, the ubiquitous Dane Cook, who has long been proven as a one-trick pony who mostly lifts material from other comedians, yet continues to fill stadiums with the sons and nephews of the misogynistic frat boys who went to see Andrew Dice Clay perform in the 80s.

In the era of heir to King George’s throne Patton Oswalt, the absurdist humor of Jim Gaffigan and just the sheer fabulousness of Eddie Izzard, why do Americans still like our comedy so durn stoopid? I have my doubts that Jeff Foxworthy has even written a new joke in twenty years, let alone anything that diverts from the “you might be a redneck if…” shtick.  I remember being a kid and watching Howie Mandel do the pulling the rubber glove over his head shit, thinking it wasn’t all that hilarious then, and now he’s a comedy powerhouse?  No wonder shows like Comedy Central’s Stella and Michael and Michael Have Issues flounder in the ratings, they’re clearly not what the average American finds funny.  Dead terrorists and jokes about fucking your sister, that’s gold.  You know how they always find the black box intact after a plane crash? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of the black box? What is the deal with that? That was my Jerry Seinfeld impersonation, thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.

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