Poupon you, Sean Hannity

In spite of swine flu and Maine becoming the fifth state to pass a same sex marriage bill, it must have been a slow news week at FOX, as insufferable, giant-headed windbag Sean Hannity got all snippy on President Barack Obama’s ass for ordering Dijon mustard on his burger during a lunchtime trip to an Arlington, VA restaurant.  “I think the president watched just a little bit too much television as a kid,” Hannity snarked, referring to the “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?” commercials of the 80s, whereas Hannity, who is the same age as Obama, apparently spent all his time reading biographies of William F. Buckley and toiling on his Grampy’s farm1.

Because conservatives love nothing more than a good dog-piling on what they perceive as “the enemy,” hideous gorgon Laura Ingraham had to get her jabs in as well, saying “I don’t even like the way the man orders a hamburger…what kind of a man orders a cheeseburger without ketchup but Dijon mustard?”  Jumping in to smear his verbal feces around after that was Rush Limbaugh’s mini-me Mark Steyn, who made some sort of failed attempt at humor by babbling about Obama replacing Ian Richardson, an actor who’s been dead since 2007, as Grey Poupon’s spokesman, then wrapped up his commentary with this zinger: “Barack Obama…that was…what was that? That was yesterday.  Barack Obama had a hamburger.  I don’t know what he may do today to prove–to pass for human.”

Apparently all this incisive, edgy commentary is meant to fly in the face of the fabled left-leaning media’s obsession with reporting on every aspect of our beloved President’s life, including literally what he eats for lunch.  Except that three different people actually criticizing someone for their choice of hamburger topping doesn’t “make a statement” about the media’s treatment of Obama, it shows how much conservatives, particularly conservatives who claw desperately at any opportunity they can get to be in front of a camera or a microphone, are drowning in a sea of their own sore loser bullshit.  What kind of man orders a cheeseburger without ketchup but Dijon mustard, you ask, Laura Ingraham? How about a man who’s allowed to eat whatever he wants to eat, just like the rest of us, you dried up waste of radio waves? See, that’s one of the really awesome things about being an adult, besides being able to get into rated R movies and gamble all your money away, that you can eat whatever you want, no matter how weird people might think it is, and let’s face it, mustard on a cheeseburger is pretty far on the “normal” end of things.  I’ve heard of restaurants who offer everything from crabmeat to peanut butter as a hamburger topping.  TV chef and butter enthusiast Paula Deen has a recipe on her website for a hamburger with a fried egg on top.  Hell, I don’t like ketchup or mustard on my burger, I like mayonnaise.  Blue cheese is pretty great too.  I thought choice was only a controversy when it came to abortion, not to condiments as well.

While it’s kind of hilarious watching these blowhards drive themselves into a stammering, jabbering fit over the most minute things in regards to Obama, because they just can’t get over the fact that we drank that tasty Kool-Aid and voted him into office, I ask the same question I asked when Cokie Roberts criticized Obama before the election for vacationing in the exotic locale of Hawaii–what kind of slack-jawed, insulated yokels do people like Sean Hannity think listen to him? If Hannity feigns deep offense at Obama being a fancy-pants big city fella by ordering that Frenchie-French Grey Poupon on his burger, that seems to suggest that he believes the “average American” he loves so dearly has never come in contact with such a product.  This is patently impossible, as Grey Poupon is sold in pretty much every grocery store in America, and has been for a very long time.  It’s not new, it’s not fancy, it’s not expensive, it’s not even foreign.  It’s about as authentically French as Haagen-Daaz is Swedish, or Norwegian or whatever the hell it’s supposed to be.  Grey Poupon is owned by Kraft, one of the most American of major corporations, most famous for its boxed macaroni and cheese, which is apparently what Hannity thinks his viewers eat most of the time, while they watch him on their 12 inch black and white rabbit-ear televisions in their broken down trailers off a service road somewhere in Shitkickerville, Iowa.

In trying so hard to present Obama as an out of touch elitist, that untrustworthy “Other” who pretends to be your friend but mocks you behind your back for your simple, homespun values, what people like Hannity and Laura Ingraham end up doing is portraying the folks who buy into their petty horsepucky, Joe and Jane Middle America, as sad, backwards shlubs who cower in fear whenever they’re confronted with something “different,” even if it’s as small as a jar of fucking mustard that you can buy at the local fucking Kroger’s.  Did these collective heads of knuckle really believe that there were people watching Obama order his food in shock, shaking their heads and saying “Mustard on a hamburger? Welcome to Mars!” Would they have  called for his impeachment if he had ordered pesto on his burger? Hopefully not–it’s a topping that’s available at Applebee’s.  Applebee’s, of course, is where New York Times conservative columnist David Brooks once famously claimed Obama wouldn’t “fit in naturally,” because that’s where the ordinary people go to eat.

1In actuality, Hannity grew up in Long Island, meaning the closest he probably ever got to working on a farm was visiting one on a school field trip.


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