And they drink beer and don’t care about your orgasms either!
Slow news day at The Huffington Post, as it runs a “the difference between men and women is…” article so deeply mired in archaic stereotypes and generalizations you might think for a moment that you’re reading The Onion.
Forget sex, communication, in-laws and the toilet seat wars. If you really want to stir up a hornet’s nest inside a marriage, just bring up the subject of naps.
Men love them and women despise them.
Actually, let me rephrase, men love to take them and women despise them for enjoying it.
“But why?” says the man. “Haven’t I earned it? Don’t I deserve it? Isn’t your home supposed to be where you relax?”
Well, sort of…in most cases, men view their home as a refuge while women think it’s the place where the real work gets done.
When a woman sees a pile of dirty dishes and laundry strewn about the floor, we don’t just see a mess, we literally feel failure. We could have spent the workday brokering world peace, but if our home isn’t running smoothly, we feel out of whack. It might not make sense, but it’s the way most of us are wired.
For men, home is a place to escape from work. When he walks in, he doesn’t see a system out of balance, disorganized supplies or poorly maintained equipment. All he sees is a long soft comfortable surface — which if you knock the pizza boxes and old newspapers off — is the perfect place to lay down.
What is this, the fucking Lockhorns? You could play a game of Bingo with all the truisms here: men are lazy, inconsiderate slobs, women are resentful shrews who value themselves only according to how their homes look. Is her next article going to be about how men can’t cook and women like to go shopping all the time? It’ll be a great day for both man and womankind when people stop excusing insulting, negative gender cliches as some sort of product of evolution. Women are “wired” to manipulate to get what they want, obsess about cleaning and choose the wealthiest suitor over the ones who are most likely to treat her well. Men are “wired” to cheat, compete with each other over everything from jobs to Buffalo wing eating contests and not give a shit about maintaining order in their homes. If I had known sooner that evolution was going to turn us all into self-absorbed assholes, maybe I would have tried to find some logic in the notion of intelligent design.
Let me say this: I fucking love naps. Love them. I got into the habit of napping back in high school (sometimes actually in school, which probably explains why I’m doing this for fun instead of jetsetting to the Riviera on my income as CEO of a major corporation), and ever since then I’ve never passed up the opportunity to doze for an hour or so if I have nothing better to do. Sometimes more than an hour–like George Carlin I’ve occasionally fallen asleep while it was still light out, woke up after dark and didn’t know what goddamn day it was. I highly recommend naps for everyone, especially if you’re the kind of tightly wound control freak who goes into core meltdown if your glasses come out of the dishwasher with spots on them. Your body needs time to relax and recharge, that’s scientifically proven, unlike the idea that women are naturally predisposed to spend hours scrubbing away the imaginary soap scum in our bathtubs.
Here’s another thing: I’m kind of a slob. When I clean my house, it’s not because I’m giving in to my womanly urges, it’s because I don’t want to live in squalor. I really don’t care if my house is Martha Stewart-ready, I just don’t want it to look like something out of The Amityville Horror. I honestly had no idea until I read this article that women apparently view Saturdays as reserved for cleaning the house top to bottom, a task so complicated and involved that it takes all day, with not so much as a half hour to spare for a quick nap. I’ve spent most of my life looking at Saturdays, for the most part, as just like Sundays, an opportunity to relax, enjoy time with your friends and/or family and have some fun. Sure, you may have to take time to do something annoying, like get your oil changed or go to Target, but generally speaking it shouldn’t involve delegating a day’s worth of labor and lambasting your partner for taking a break to chill, certainly not every damn week. If cleaning your house once a week takes an entire day, with both you and everyone else in the house helping, either your house is too big or you’re possibly suffering from OCD, simple as that. Wouldn’t it be easier to just break up household tasks over the week, i.e. living room on Tuesday, bathroom on Wednesday, etc.? That’s how I do it, when I can remember to stay on top of things. On the other hand, sometimes (okay, quite often) I let things pile up, but the point is that it gets done eventually. However, according to Lisa Earle McLeod, not caring if the laundry doesn’t get put away immediately is a uniquely male quality, so apparently there’s a penis laying around somewhere with my name on it. Probably under the pile of laundry.
For that matter, while I certainly know quite a few men for whom housekeeping isn’t a huge priority, I also know a fair amount who are very conscientious of such matters. That’s what makes McLeod’s piece so aggravating, it’s lazy, uninspired writing on a boring, played out subject. She might as well have cribbed Erma Bombeck’s old columns from the 60s and 70s, all she’s missing is the complaints about her son playing that crazy rock ‘n’ roll nonsense all night and her daughter trying to leave the house in one of those new miniskirts all the neighborhood hussies are wearing. Step out of your time machine, Lisa, sloth isn’t a sin specific to one gender.