Ugh. Oh god, ugh.

I apologize for the monosyllabic, overly simplified title of today’s post, but this is a rare moment in which I’m utterly at a loss for words.  Found by way of Feministing…if you’re stumped on last minute gift ideas for your husband and boyfriend, why not purchase an Artificial Virginity Hymen?

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable.

Please forward your compensation requests for brain bleach, I’ll do my best to fulfill them as soon as possible.  I don’t know what’s more jarring, the product description written in Engrish (it’s made in Japan, which, I hate to say, doesn’t surprise me in the least), or the fact that you’re supposed to insert something that will “ooze out a liquid” in one of the most sensitive parts of your body, all to recreate the supposedly wildly romantic experience of losing your virginity.  This sounds like a goddamn Halloween prop.  And really, it’s not for your benefit, but for your partner’s, who either never got to deflower someone for real or wants for a few blessed moments to pretend that you never had any lovers before him.

Leaving aside cultures where not being a virgin upon marriage is a severely punishable offense, can it be possible that at the cusp of 2009, the act of taking someone’s virginity is still the end-all, be-all of sexual experiences for men? Are there still people who don’t realize how fucking creepy obsessing over that is? Any man over the age of, say, 25 or so who either covets virgins or gets pissy and jealous at the fact that his partner has had sex before him needs to be stood up against a wall and repeatedly punched in the crotch.  I don’t normally condone violence, but seriously, the only solution for these “men” consists of punch, crotch, rinse, repeat.  I don’t want to hear any nonsense about their insecurities or problems with self-identity as a barely evolved from Neanderthals red-blooded American male.  If you’re feeling insecure as a man, go lift some fucking weights.  Read Maxim or watch a football game or something.  Fetishizing virginity is FUCKING CREEPY.  This romanticization of “the first time” has to stop, because guess what? You won’t find a single woman who will say their first time was the best sexual experience they’ve ever had.  Even with the most gentle, solicitous partner it’s awkward and a little painful.  The skies parting, “angels we have heard on high” myth of first time sex is perpetuated by romance novels and pornography.  Creepy, icky pornography for creepy, icky people, and I normally have a let and let live attitude when it comes to pornography.

If you’re reading this and you have a virginity fetish, do some deep soul searching and ask yourself: why? Do you fancy young, impressionable, pure girls? Do you believe that women who have had sex are somehow tainted? Are you into the idea of “imprinting” yourself onto someone, ensuring that, no matter how positive or negative the experience of sex with you may be, they’ll never forget it? Ask yourself these questions, and if the answer is anything other than “no,” get some fucking help.  Cutesy, ersatz naughty role-playing products like the Artificial Virginity Hymen are not just condoning the issue but encouraging it.  Women who willingly play into it rather than pointing out how twisted it is aren’t helping either.

Note: the link to the website that sells the Artificial Virginity Hymen is not safe for work.