ABC News presents: ‘Deer Caught in Headlights’

ABC’s Charlie Gibson got the first televised interview with Sarah Palin, and as these excerpts show (and they’re from ABC directly, so no fussing over things being taken out of context), she is woefully, nay, terrifyingly unprepared for the responsibilities of being vice-president of the United States.  Making sure you have some Rolaids for the inevitable agita you will experience afterwards, read the excerpts and you’ll find yourself occasionally doing double-takes, rubbing your eyes and asking “Did she really just say something as juvenile and simplistic as ‘war is hell, and I hate war’? Is her idea of foreign relations really ‘we’ll have to keep an eye on them’? Does she really not have the first clue what Bush’s anticipatory self-defense doctrine means?” Yes, that’s what we can surmise from this interview, that and apparently she still thinks Iraq had something to do with the September 11th attacks, a theory that has been largely disavowed by, oh, pretty much everyone else.

I never really had much of an opinion one way or another about Charlie Gibson, but I have to give him props for only appearing slightly non-plussed at how much Palin didn’t know, as opposed to letting his jaw drop open in shock.  Rather than elaborate on her answers, Palin chose merely to repeat herself, and the rest of the interview seemed to be comprised of words and catchphrases meant to touch people in the approximate area where they’d put an American flag pin, like “freedom,” “victory,” “terrorists,” “God,” “liberty,” “Reagan,” “post-9/11,” “terrorists who are hell bent on destroying our nation,” “those terrorists who would seek to destroy America,” and “terrorists who are hell bent on destroying America.”  Did I mention she repeats herself a lot? She repeats herself a lot.

But she’s hot! And she was a mayor, which is definitely, somehow, we don’t know how but we’re sure, better than being a community organizer! And…and she’s hot! And she has a bunch of kids with cute, quirky names, like Track, or Field, or Rifle, or whatever the hell their names are! France might have a supermodel as its First Lady, but we’ll have Supermom as vice-president! Yeah, yeah, suck on that, Frenchies, we still don’t like you!

I’m exaggerating, of course, but only slightly.  It would seem that Palin is better suited to be a spokesperson for the Republican party, a nice, non-threatening face to spout a bunch of meaningless, jingoistic rhetoric, because as long as you mention the word “terrorist,” by golly, people will listen.  Or perhaps she could act as sort of “America’s den mother,” patting us on the backs and saying “It’s okay, at least you tried,” whenever we do stuff like bring home a C- on that big math test, or accidentally kill a bunch of civilians in a village outside Baghdad.  Milk and cookies for everybody!

But vice-president? When her solution to the Russia-Georgia conflict is to “keep an eye on them,” like a couple of pesky kids fighting in a playground? When she doesn’t understand the foreign policy of a complete simpleton? What does her appearance, how many kids she has, have to do with any of that? Why haven’t we heard anyone give a detailed, reasonable, believable explanation on how we can trust this person to not fuck up spectacularly if she has to take over for McCain? I don’t give a rat’s ass if the camera loves her, or if she has a nice, good-looking family.  If that’s all it takes to become vice-president, hell, I know a whole bunch of people who qualify.  And they could probably come up with something more original to say than “war is hell.”

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