Barack Obama is Keyser Soze

Chet Scoville of Shakesville writes a fascinating post about how, with a presidential election looming ahead, America seems to be suddenly stuck in an odd mid-90s time warp.  Despite the guarantee of a new president in office, we’re finding comfort in the old.  The media is discussing Chandra Levy and Jon-Benet Ramsey again, there’s a new X-Files movie out, and while I was visiting Atlantic City this past weekend I noticed that the Backstreet Boys are attempting a comeback, sans Joey Fatone.  Perhaps an even more unwelcome return than the Backstreet Boys are chain e-mails, those ridiculous wastes of bytes that either pass on inane urban legends (be careful, ladies, there might be someone hiding under your car just waiting to slice your Achilles tendon), alert you of missing children who don’t actually exist, or contain inaccurate bits of trivia (for the last time, Marilyn Monroe was not a size 16).  How people honestly came to believe that if they didn’t immediately forward these e-mails to ten of their friends they’d be stricken with festering boils is beyond me, but those suckers who are born every minute all have AOL accounts, apparently.

One of the latest and most asinine of these is the Obama Death List.  You might remember the Clinton Death List of the mid-90s, in which through a shocking series of coincidences either Bill, Hillary or Bill and Hillary Clinton together were linked to more murders than Henry Lee Lucas.  However, if this list is to be believed, Barack Obama makes them look like a couple of neophytes.  Driven by greed and mad ambition, no doubt, Obama has reportedly left a bloody path of death and destruction on the road to the White House, starting as early as age nine

Some of his alleged victims include…

  • A white female Harvard classmate who supposedly filed rape charges against Obama in 1990.  Cause of death: “accidental” drug overdose.
  • An FBI informant who claimed to have evidence of a meeting between Obama and 9/11 ringleader Mohammed Atta.  Cause of death: homicide.
  • Childhood classmate of Obama who was found beheaded in a Jakarta alley in 1970.  Believed to be the victim of an “Islamic initiation ritual.”
  • Man who claimed to have evidence that Obama is gay.  Cause of death: “accidentally” hanging himself while engaging in autoerotic asphyxiation.
  • Drug dealer suspected of funneling money to Obama.  Cause of death: “gang shooting.”
  • Stripper who claimed to have child fathered by Obama.  Cause of death: unknown, missing.
  • Washington, DC madam who claimed Obama was on her clients’ list.  Cause of death: gunshot wound.
  • Attorney, connection to Obama unknown.  Cause of death: falling from a window.  Please note that this person, Gandy Baugh, was also allegedly murdered by Bill Clinton some eight years earlier.

Shocking to know that our Democratic presidential nominee is a whoremongering, gay, murdering rapist who funds his programs with money from drug dealers, isn’t it? Not only that, he’s so powerful that he can raise people from the dead just to kill them again.  There hasn’t been a politician who poses such a threat to the world since Damien Thorn.  I pray hope  am fairly certain that this “death list” is meant to be a joke, considering that well over half the people mentioned on the list don’t even exist, nor is there an “Islamic initiation ritual” that requires you to cut off someone’s head.

However, how far off is this from the people who, despite empirical proof of otherwise, still insist that Obama is a Muslim intent on destroying the United States? The idea of Obama riding into the White House on a missile Slim Pickens-style while wearing a turban and writing an order outlawing pork products might seem ridiculous if you’re capable of a single rational thought.  Let’s not forget, though, that when John F. Kennedy, the first Roman Catholic presidential nominee, was running for office, it was believed that he would be taking orders directly from the Vatican, forcing everyone to eat fish on Fridays.  People fear the unfamiliar.  There’s a reason why that New Yorker cover was good satire, because that’s how far too many Americans, particularly older Americans (the section of the population most likely to show up at the ballots on Election Day) view Barack Obama, as a black man with a funny sounding name who spent some time outside the country growing up, a “foreigner” who poses a “foreign” threat to the United States.  This list may have been intended as a joke, but let’s remember that while people on an individual level are smart, people collectively are profoundly, frustratingly, depressingly stupid.  All it takes is a small handful of them, the same gullible people who still believe a mass e-mail was sent out to all the Jews in New York City ordering them not to go to work on September 11th, 2001, to pass around this nonsense to a few other pea-brains who think just like them.  Then those pea-brains will pass it on to other nitwits, who will pass it on to a bunch of other dunderheads they know through a Walker, Texas Ranger fansite, and then they’ll tell two friends, and they’ll tell two friends, and so on, and so on, until it becomes one big ignorant shampoo commercial that will put John McCain in the White House.  Okay, maybe I’m reaching a bit, but nevertheless, these rumors and conspiracy theories are what make people either vote for an opposing candidate by reason of “the lesser of two evils,” or not vote at all.  The reality of John McCain, his anger problems, his voting record against women’s and children’s issues, his willful ignorance of current culture and foreign policy is far more terrifying than the rumors about Barack Obama.

Meanwhile, while you’re pondering that, I’m going to continue researching a connection between Obama and the Black Dahlia murder.  It’s a stretch, I know, but if he has the power to raise the dead, then surely he’s mastered time travel by now.

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