Going to the chapel and we’re gonna get Botoxed

Reason #34,837 why I want to live on a goat farm with very little contact from the outside world: according to The New York Times, the new trend for brides-to-be is demanding that their wedding attendants submit to cosmetic surgery before the big day.

Not for nothing are some maids known as slaves of honor, but this kind of cajoling is a recent development on the wedding front.

Marie Scalogna-Watkinson, the founder of Spa Chicks on-the-Go, a mobile spa, said she receives five to seven calls a month from brides seeking Botox or Restylane for their bridesmaids. Five years ago, collective makeovers were unheard of, she said.

Dr. Fardad Forouzanpour, a cosmetic surgeon in Beverly Hills, Calif., said his business has increased more than 40 percent since he began offering what he calls Bridal Beauty Buffets in 2006.

Besides Botox, which, let us be reminded, is a derivative of the poisonous substance botulin, and essentially paralyzes the muscles in your face, other “improvements” bridesmaids are submitting to so that they will provide a pleasing visage in their friends’ wedding albums include chemical peels, teeth whitening, artificial tanning and even breast augmentation.  Keeping in mind that The New York Times defines anything a small handful of upper-class white people does as a “trend” (and you’d have to be fairly well-off to take part in this particular “trend,” considering that some of these procedures will run you a couple thousand bones), this is a good example to illustrate the media, and pop culture in general, fixation on truly appalling human beings.  In this case they’re “bridezillas,” women so obsessed with the notion that their wedding day is supposed to be perfect that they become self-centered, aggressively demanding monsters.  Micromanaging every detail down to how many string beans should be served to each guest at the reception, they treat their bridesmaids like unpaid servants and their grooms as if they’re human footstools, occasionally useful objects that mostly just get in the way.

There’s an entire program dedicated to them on the “for women only” We network, a station that’s devoted almost exclusively to wedding shows and TV movies based on Danielle Steel novels (because that’s what us broads like to watch!).  Bridezillas is We’s most popular program, a veritable atrocity exhibit of women screaming, crying, swearing, berating their friends and loved ones and just making appalling asses out of themselves.  Most of the time their tantrums are over something relatively small, a flower arrangement doesn’t meet their exact specifications perhaps, or a manicurist arrives late the morning of the festivities, which makes you wonder if perhaps their heads would just explode when faced with a real problem.

One of the most infamous episodes of Bridezillas featured a woman who was so hellbent on her bridesmaids losing weight before her wedding that she demanded that they not eat at the rehearsal dinner.  Another showed a bride bodily and aggressively moving the members of the wedding party to where she wanted them to stand for the rehearsal.  The curious and disturbing thing about Bridezillas is when these women are having their profanity and insult-laced meltdowns, most of the time the family, friends or future grooms meekly bear the brunt of their anger without comment.  You don’t get the satisfaction of seeing these women walk down the aisle without their bridesmaids, or dumped on their asses by their fiances once it’s revealed what hysterical control freaks they are.  Alas, their behavior is either treated with vague amusement, or excused because “she’s under a lot of stress,” or “she just wants everything to be perfect.”  The weddings somehow manage to go through, and at the end the brides smugly declare that all the stress was worth it.  They’re never once held accountable for their behavior, hell, as far as we know they never even have to apologize.

Having seen a few episodes of Bridezillas, coming away from them with the same uncomfortable dismay one experiences when being caught in the middle of an argument between friends, I’ve yet to figure out where the entertainment value is, or what we’re supposed to take away from it.  Like many reality shows, I’m never quite sure if the people featured are in on the joke or not.  Are the women on Flavor of Love and Rock of Love aware that they’re sad, nasty whores? Do Spencer and Heidi know that there are people who would gladly pay money to see them torn apart by a pack of wild dogs? Do the women who appear on Bridezillas and allowed themselves to be interviewed for the Times article care that they come off as shallow cunts who treat their loved ones like props in the elaborate Andrew Lloyd-Webber production that is their wedding? And why are we supposed to be find this interesting? I find it deeply disheartening myself, especially when some of the women insisting that their attendants alter their natural features before appearing in their wedding claim it’s a gift they’re giving them, otherwise they wouldn’t have the courage to do it on their own.  Right, yes, the gift of passive-aggressively letting your friends know that they’re not fit to be part of your special day unless they get a few barely visible lines ironed out of their faces, how generous.  I think I speak for all women when I say stick with the matching jewelry or trinket boxes.  If you’re so concerned with how everyone’s going to look in your wedding pictures, hire some actors instead.

 

 

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